The Wellness Wound: Ableism and Cancel Culture in Women’s Wellness Spaces

Can We Talk About Ableism in the Wellness Community?

Can we talk for a minute about how ableist the wellness community is?

Specifically white, cis women wellness spaces?

We ladies just can’t seem to give each other a break, can we?

It’s bad enough that toxic masculinity and far-right patriarchal systems are constantly reminding us of “our place.”

Be quiet.

Be small.

Be nice.

Be polite.

Have the babies , even when they were raped into us.

Accept the status quo.

Now we have women repeating the same oppressive messages.

Just dressed up differently.

Sometimes in a darker way.

The Hidden Rules of “Empowered” Women

It goes a little something like this:

Ladies!

It is our time to be ourselves!

Be angry.

Rage.

Speak your truth.

Own your space.

Own your sexuality.

Be yourself.

Oh wait.

Sorry.

You’re not raging the right way.

You’re allowed to be angry.

Fuck the patriarchy, right?

But could you do it a little softer?

A little smaller?

Remember to use “I statements.”

Could you lower your voice?

And maybe don’t use such harsh language.

You’re just being too much.

I’m starting to feel uncomfortable.

I don’t think this space is for you.

You should probably leave.

You are not welcome here anymore.

Please leave.

Wellness Culture and White Women Cancel Culture

This is the white-women wellness version of cancel culture.

Get healthy.

Speak your truth.

But only in very small, digestible bites that make everyone else comfortable.

And if you can’t?

Maybe you’re just not on the same level.

Maybe you’re not evolved enough.

Maybe you’re not equipped to be here.

Cancelled.

But where is the room for:

Repair?

Learning?

Growth?

Understanding that some people express themselves differently?

Maybe instead of booting people out, we need to teach everyone how to handle human emotions together.

Both the emotions we express.

And the emotions we witness.

Emotional Expression and Ableism

It is ableist to assume that everyone can perfectly express themselves in moments of:

Overstimulation

All-consuming emotion

Total overwhelm

It is also racist and sexist to assume these things.

Different cultures express emotion differently.

And we all know men get away with anger far more than women do.

Especially Black women.

These white, cis, straight women’s wellness spaces claim they want to break away from patriarchal, misogynistic systems.

But often they end up reinforcing them.

Why Wellness Spaces Need More Diversity

The time has come to diversify our wellness spaces.

My friend Katie runs a community circle for my nonprofit, Cassia Collective.

This circle is specifically for queer folks and their allies.

Many of the people who show up are also delightfully neuro-spicy.

And I have to say:

I have never felt so safe being exactly who I am.

Katie opens every circle with guidelines about speaking from the heart and using non-judgmental language.

And then they say something that changes everything.

“We know we’re human. We will make mistakes. That’s okay. We will work through them, repair, and make amends. That’s how we grow.”

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Healing Spaces Must Allow Messy Humanity

This is what we need.

Spaces where it’s okay to get ugly.

And real.

And completely fuck up.

And still be held as a human being trying their best.

We need spaces where the expectation is not perfect healing or perfect behavior.

But the gritty reality of being alive.

Where vulnerability is safe enough that you might say the wrong thing.

And instead of exile…

There is conversation.

Repair.

Community.

Courage From the Queer Community

As someone who has spent far too many years obsessing about what people think of me, watching someone risk their literal safety just to exist as themselves is deeply humbling.

I worry I’ll say the wrong thing and people won’t like me.

They worry someone who disagrees with their pronouns might murder them.

And they still show up.

Every day.

As themselves.

One person in circle once said:

“We have to keep showing up. The kids coming up behind us need to see us living and loving and struggling and continuing. Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is stay alive.”

Accountability vs. Exile

Now some people will say:

“But Mia, we can’t let harmful people into healing spaces.”

I agree.

And here is where I draw the line.

Accountability.

Amends.

Repair.

If someone can:

See the harm they caused

Take responsibility

Learn from it

Grow from it

Change their behavior

Then they are not an unsafe person.

They are a flawed human doing the hard work of becoming better.

That is not an oppressor.

That is not a predator.

That is a human being.

Not All Harm Is The Same

We must stop lumping together:

Predators

Oppressors

with

People who are trying their best and messing up along the way.

There is a massive difference.

One group refuses accountability.

They show no remorse.

They don’t care about the harm they cause.

In a word:

Sociopathy.

Those people should absolutely be removed from communities.

But the other group?

The people with blind spots.

The people who want to learn.

The neurodivergent people trying to understand social rulebooks that were never written for them.

Those people?

Those are my people.

And we cannot afford to ostracize them.

The “Good Side” Needs More Allies

Because the truth is this:

We are in a fight.

A fight between cruelty and humanity.

And the “good side” cannot afford to say:

“You didn’t do good well enough. You’re out.”

No.

We need more allies.

Which means widening the borders of what belonging looks like.

Widening our definitions.

Widening our structures.

To include:

Neurodiversity

Queerness

Radical feminism

Cultural differences

Racial differences

Human complexity.

The Future of Wellness Is Human

We need more spaces like Katie’s circle.

Spaces where the expectation is simple:

We will all show up human.

And therefore flawed.

We will hold each other accountable.

We will repair.

We will grow together.

Because the real revolution?

It lives deep inside our humanity.

Deep inside our souls.

And deep inside communities brave enough

to hold all of it.

And keep showing up.